


The Clork Greefen Chronicles

by cptnclrkgrffn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Crack, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Pretty much a Clexa version of that really bad Harry Potter fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-12 15:46:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7112233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptnclrkgrffn/pseuds/cptnclrkgrffn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meet Clork Greefen, she's bi, badass, and blessed with a whole lot of boob.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Heaven... Just Space

Hello my name is Clork Greefen and I am the smartiest, most funniest, most prettiest person ever to fall from the sky. I know yor probably thinking i fell from heaven but no, just from space. Me and a couple of other doucheybags. I am rich and pretty and blonde with sky blues eyes and excellent tits. They call me princes. One of the boys Baloney is not very nice. All of them are stoppid. A bitchy tweenager called Charlotte stabbed my best frend Wells in the neck with a nife. He’s dead now. So is she because she jumped off a cliff. Unlike when we came from space she died.

Anyways more stuff happened but it was boring and involved grown ups (who i hate because my mum sucks and killed my father and she’s also probably npt even my real muther because she doesn’t look like me and she has no heart but i have a heart so i think she’s an AI - but then again who wood be dumb enuff to write a stupid artifical intelligence plot????) but then we were like kidnapped by these weird vampires. They aren’t actually vampires but they suck blood from the people who have lived here.

The people who lived here arnt very nice. They lived here for a hundred years and we crash down, kill some people and villages, make noise, stomp about, and invade their lands but I still dont see why their so upset. Whatever they’re just mountain men food anyway. Yeah the people who kidnapped us live in a mountain and they seperated me from my fuckboi boyfriend Finn. Luckily I escaped and I got slapped with mud by this super hot grounder lady and now i’m gay. She died though because i thin kshe was gay too so her blud is a magnet for bullets. Now her friend the commander wasnts to meet me and so I have to try to loook strong and intimidating. And smart. But I’m surrounded by iriots so it’s easy to be superiorly intelligent.

* * *

 SO today I have to meet the grounder leader chick and her henchman takes me aside before i go into the tent thingy.

His name is Goosetus and he has a big beard.

“If yer so mooch as look at her in the wrong way I will sleet yer throoot.” He says through his beard.

I don’t know what the fuck hes talking about so we go in in silence.

Inside is povo people furiture and decor but suddenly i see this big throne and i realise what way Goosetus meant. Because I am looking at the girl on the throne in a verry gay way. Technikally bisexual way but this goddess could turn me. If I thought i was pretty then i was wrong because she is so purdy. She looks like a raccoon with her heavy eye make-up (someone needs to tech her how to do a smoky eye proparly) but a sexy racoon. She has a knife and I want her to fook my kitty kat lady parts with it.

We talk and shit for a bit and then a remmber that I have her hot ded mentors smelly hair in my pocket. When i pass it to her our fingers touch. I think I pee my pants but I think it is just my kitty kat being wet.

For our first date I take her to the place where I killed 300 of her people. It smells like roast barbekue and i think it sets the mood nicely. After we zap her friend back to life she even smioles at me. I want to ride her smile and face but i dont say that because i raised myself better than that.

She tells me she wants to kill my merderus boifrend and i’m like “yeah cool whateva” in my head but i try to look upset. Later she asks me if i need to relieve myself. Constapation isn’t sexyyy so i stop.

* * *

In the night I have another romantick incounter with Leeksah the commander of making my pussy pop. I stab my fuckboi bf in the chest with a nife and hope for some pity/synpathy sexy times from Leeksah but nope. She just invites me to a bonfire at this village. When Fien is burnt into ashes i wait for Leeksah to make hur move but she doesnt.

But then she does.

She’s like “hi i’m gay and DTF” except she says it like “i lost someone special to me too… HER name was Crustia. She was Crusty. She got killed and shit because she was black AND gay but really its symbolick and shit because they cut off her head an deleiverd it to my bed which is ironic and metaphorical becos she gave me head there many times before.”

I was gonna tell her that we should go make out but then she told me that she didn’t beleve in love.

“Love is weakness.”

“Da fuq. Ohk. But dis pussy isn’t weekness you dumb bitch. You coulda had this good earth cleaveg. Dumb grounder.”

And then miss fortune cookie Leeksah goes stoic and looks at the ashes of my dead bf.

“To be commander ees to be alone.”

I want to punch her but i think she might be able to kill me really easily and my huge boobs weight me down when i try to run.

“Who taught you that?” I ask gayly, “You girlfriend?” Me, a known gay (bisexual), asks queerly.

“No. This dude caled Titlust. But you won’t meet his bald head until the writers decide to bury there homos and kill me stoopidly.”

I smile, “That’s cool.”

And then we laugh in lesbian.

* * *

Planning a war is sooooooo romantic.

Battle and weaponary relly seems to turn Leeksah on. Today her friends were being bumbholes to me and so i left for some hair and then dis fake hoe came up to me and tried to kill me but Leeksah came (not in the way I wanted) and chucked a knife into his hand all badass.

I wanted her to take me right there but then a stupid geurilla cockblocked my pale self and we had to run. Leeksah was like “we gotta jet” and she chopped the fake hoe’s leggsy and fed him to the gorrila like kibble.

Eventually the dude who was tagging along with us got tossed around like a slur and it was finally just the two of us for another romantick dait. Leeksah didn’t have her raccoon eyeliner on to draw strength from so I took control lie the top i am and got us to safety.

Afterwards she watched me sleep.

Wells - my friend who deepthroated a kanife - used to lov this book seeres about this dumb bitch and her sparkly boyfriend and he used to tell me it was romantic to watch someone sleep. I thought he was just being a stupid guy with little to no character development or purpose but it turns out it really is the best. Heda “give-me-head-please” Leexa even conformted me when I woke up to the sound of the gorilla butting a nut. It was a beautiful and extrememly gay moment.

It was as I luked into those panty-dropping green eyes that I kam up wis my master plan. An excellent idea to simeutaneously kill Baloney and prevent him form committing genocide and also win the war. Mostly kill the person whose maturing is going to be wiped away in the future. To be hoenest I also ant him ded so I can comfort his sister. If Leeksah wants to be alone then imma hit dat sweet ass that ws grown beneath the floor. Organic and whatnot. Except i think Raydamn and Ocgayvia have a thing and I not about to mess with their reccous pusshy mashing.

Whatever.


	2. Queen of making the panties wet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clork learns the benefits of being a BAMF!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dedicated to the lives lost in the mass shooting in Orlando tonight. It is sad to think that our jokes about lesbians and LGBT+ people needing to wear bulletproof vests are not just jokes anymore. Stay safe!

My plan is brilliant.

It’s so good. Better than Leeksah’s long lesnian fingers. Almost.

Anyway so my plan is that we realease the coked up whores waiting inside Mount Feather. Ya know the Grounder Pounder’s dressed in nothing but small scraps of white fabric being used like lab rats and getting hot and swety and rubbing up against each other and…

…sorry I had to go pull a Jason’s twitter followers on myself. (Read: I had to go down on myself)

Where waz I? Ah yesh, my grand plan. Basically we free the hoes, diaable the fog, boom open the doors, and walk right in like the badass motherfuckers we are. Heda gives me head, I ascend to sapphic heaven and we all live gayly ever after.

We were gonna make it werk. It was working and we were riding our horsies through the forrest when some stalker people began trying to kill us. Me and Leeksah. They had a picture of us with our faces circled. Octavia pawned them asses but I kept the photo. For safe keeping and sank bank and excetera.

Then this jackass mout weather dude in his lame radiation suit was trying to bitch me out and I was not having any of that. My mum was already trying to be protective and shit even though she knows the grounders listen to me because my one true love told them to. I’m eighteen now (I’m legal Leeksah!!!!!) and I am a grown woeman. Sort of. Kind of. I killed my bf isn’t that like a right of passage? In my books it is.

I slay that bitch until she can hardly stand telling her exactly who is in charge. I don’t know why she looked so suprised I mean I’m probs adopted so of course her pussy bitching out doesn’t run in the family because my fine blonde self isn’t related to her mousy greying overthinking chancellor mess.

So backicaly I whoop this sniper dude’s butt and tell him he better hurry ta fuq up on his way home because this wee little piggy only has six hours to get his ais all the way home.

Then I pause dramtically and go to my room to rub one out to the photo of Lksah and me.

* * *

After a boring week of television the Clork Greefen show returns and blesses you with my good earth cleaveg strutting around the ark followed by my new guard dog Ryder. He’s my bodyguard now. Except then Ray has to give me this judgemental look so I let him go chill for a bit while I talk to O’s lover. Baloneu is late to call. Of course. In his little fantasy world everything revolves around his stuid hair and moobs.

I cuss him out.

Flabby, Payne and I fite a bit over who should go to Tondeecee but I tell my mum that I should go. Obvie. She does nothing. Plus Leeksah will be there.

Everything goes to shit as things on Erth tend to do when I find out a mutha fookin bomb is headed for TonDc. Where leeksah my future wife is. I can’t stand for that shit. SO I grab a horse and say fuck everyone else and miunt that wild stallion and ride as fast as my heteroness left me to my one true love. I look gorgeous doing it and my top nicely shows off my chest. ur welcome btw. I know I bless you thirsty hoes with my gorgeousness.

When I arrive after my long ride in which the saddle served better than a washing machine my angsty ass wife has the nerve to mock me for being late.

I ain’t having none of that rude shit and I straight (well… as straight as I can be) up ask to talk to her in private. The blood drains from her face and she attempts to swallow the gay aaway.

It doesn’t work because when I tell her that the village is about to go BAM she just asks me out on another date.

I’m like “Um, but what about the missile? Shoulodn;t we warn them and blah blah blah?!”

“No. Forest. You. Me. Gay loving agains the backdrop of a burning city.”

“Leeksah,” I gay, “But what about the people?”

She gives me this pericing gaze with her emerals orbs and says “do it for your people.”

And I can’t say no to that because doing it for my people is myfavourite hobby. She must have known this.

SO i accept her gift of a ratchet hoodie and slip away with her to the woods so we can make out against the trees.

Unfourtunately the wird then explodes. That takes a lot of my focus but mainly I care about how the bruning bodies cast this pretty pink light over Leeksah’s taned skin and make her green eyes shine really bright and makes beads of sweat trickle down her c-

-ahem!

She ruins the moment by talking.

God this one is always taliing.

Victory bulshit bulshit bulshit sacrifice bullshit bul;lshit bullshit fuck me Clork bullshit bullshit bullshit weakness bullshit bullshit bullshit i want to have your gaybies.

Commander of my pussy waffles on for a bit longer until we finally come across O and her beard. I’m pretytsue they’re just friends but they might be in an open relatinshop. IDK. IDC. Mostly I’m just focusing on the fact that Leeksah’s hip keeps nocking against my body and that her lips keep getting moistened by her tongue. I never realised someoene could be so gay until I met myself. In addition to being the prettiest, smartest, badassest, and blondest I am now the gayest. Followed closely by heda when she pulls an Elsa and lets it go.

By the time I’m done contemplating my sexuality we have arrived at the evil spooter who sent the coordinates to Mount Fether and ruined my date.

THat homophobic bastard.

He tries to grab Lincoln and I’m tempted to let the guy die and end his suffering at the hands of Jrot the bully but his contract is still intact so I shoot through his shoulder into the heart of the spooter and bam wam down the evil man goes.

And I swear in that moment there is not a single dry panty in a kilometre radius.

 

When we walk back back to the ruined city heda looks horny.

I’m crying because I killed someone but also because of how shocked I am by my own beauty.

I am just so gd damn pretty.

My form is a work of art. Like damn. Maybe I really did fall from heaven.

I now Leksa feeks this too because she grabs my hand.

And even though she doesn’t let me hold hur hand in public I have already memorised the feeling of her long alien fingers around mine. Later she tells me she only held my hand so i couldn;t get lost.

Yeah and if that’s true I’m as straight as an arrow.


End file.
